


Echo Of Who I Was Meant To Be

by Ghost_Writing



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort/Angst, Depressed Reiner Braun, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fade to Black, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Kid Fic, Kid Reiner Braun, Love Confessions, Other, Reader Has Titan Powers, Reader-Insert, Reiner Braun Needs a Hug, Soft Reiner Braun, Spoilers for chapter 97, Suicidal Reiner Braun, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Zeke Yeager Being an Asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29329380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Writing/pseuds/Ghost_Writing
Summary: You catch Reiner on the brink of taking his own life, pulling him back to himself. You hadn't expected him to request you use your titan powers on him.
Relationships: Reiner Braun & Bertolt Hoover & Annie Leonhart, Reiner Braun & Pieck Finger & Marcel Galliard | Berwick & Bertolt Hoover & Annie Leonhart, Reiner Braun & Reader, Reiner Braun/Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The Reader has titan powers: the Guardian Titan. They're explained in the fic.

The gun fit his mouth perfectly. His lips wrapped around it, flush to the barrel of the gun as he struggled to reach the trigger with his fingers. He’d be more useful to them dead, rather than walking the halls like a ghost. 

A bang on the wall next to him, followed by voices muffled by the thick wall between him and the conversation jolted him to his situation violently. Spit dripped down the barrel of the gun as he stared at the floor.

What was he doing? Was he really this useless that he couldn’t stay alive long enough to die in battle? Or at least for Falco to inherit his titan powers?

No. The armoured titan’s control died with him. He’d give both sides an equal chance- not that they could win against Paradis. He’d been there, seen the fire in their eyes, their passions for killing titans and freeing themselves. They’d never win, whether he was here or not.

He couldn’t even win against Eren when Zeke, Bertholt, and Piek were helping him. He’d been an echo of himself ever since they’d claimed the power of the colossal titan and he had to flee, knowing his best friend was dead because of him. How could he face any of them? How could he face Bertholt or Annie’s parents without them knowing what he’d done? That he had their lives on his hands.

This was the only way. The only way to atone for his crimes. To see Bertholt, Commander Erwin, Captain Mike, and everyone else in Hell. 

His hands shook as he steadied the gun, reaching down to the trigger. 

_“Come on Reiner, don’t be a coward,”_ he thought to himself, trying to stop his shaking hands as tears pooled in the corners of his eyes.

No one cared about him anyways. Bertolt and Annie had cared and they were gone. No one had asked if he was okay when he returned. No one had bothered to give him more than a second look as he passed them by. Not even (Y/N) could look him in the eyes during meals. He wasn’t wanted here. He wasn’t needed here. 

As he managed to place his finger on the trigger, his hands still shaking as he applied pressure, there was a knock on the door.

“Reiner?” your voice cut through his thoughts like a steady blade, forcing him to look up as the door slowly creaked open.

* * *

Falco, Gabi, Udo, and Zofia had been asking about Reiner all day. Ever since they’d come to visit the Warrior Unit’s barracks. Honestly, you’d expected it, and you didn’t mind them running around underfoot. What you did mind was the fact you couldn’t find Reiner, you’d been on a hunt since morning.

Your titan powers told you that he was in fact, in the building, yet you hadn’t found what corner he’d been hiding in. You were in possession of the tenth titan, the Guardian Titan. You were responsible for the safety and wellbeing of the other titans, this included anyone injured off or on the battlefield, no matter the injury. 

Recently, you’d been training to use your reversal powers to rewind injuries for quicker healing in battle, but you either made someone very young or very old. You felt bad for the Eldian’s you’d messed up on, but they’d always turned back after a few days, much to your relief.

When Porco suggested that Reiner may be in his personal study, you’d nearly smacked yourself for not checking there first. Making sure the kids were tucked away to play out in the yard under Porco and Pieck’s supervision, you made your way to Reiner’s study.

What you didn’t expect, is the mournful sight in front of you.

“The little ones were asking if-” you stopped short, seeing him sitting there. A gun pushed against the roof of his mouth, his finger shaking on the trigger as he refused to look in your eyes.

Taking a deep breath, you stepped into the room fully, pushing the door closed behind yourself. It clicked shut as you kept your eyes trained on Reiner. Your boots echoed through the room as you came to kneel down in front of him.

Placing your hands around the gun, you looked up to meet his gaze.  
“May I?” you whisper quietly, your voice and face void of pity, replaced with a soft smile instead. 

He stares at you as his shaking hands let go of the gun. You carefully removed it from his mouth, unloading it quickly before rolling the bullet away and tossing the gun out of sight. 

Turning your attention back to Reiner, you placed your hands on either side of his head, looking him in the eyes. You tried not to startle at the tears streaming down the sides of his cheeks. He only met your gaze for a small second before looking down at the floor, allowing you to continue to cradle his head as your hands grew damp.

You don’t know how long you sat there, the only sound being shaking gasps for air between choked sobs. You didn’t mind sitting there with him, even if it was technically your job you didn’t mind being the guardian titan. You kept them safe and a family, and Reiner always held a special place in your heart. He’d seemed fine, you should’ve paid more attention. You’d pay that attention now.

However, the silence was broken by someone outside, rather than the two of you.

“Fuck… at this rate… there’s no way…” Falco’s small voice whimpered outside of the room, the soft thud of his fist against the exterior wall. He must’ve run off from the group.

His words clutched at your heart, but your reaction was nothing compared to Reiner’s. There was a soft second as Falco walked away, and then almost as if he’d still been holding himself together, he collapsed off the chair into your arms.

His head rested in the crook of your neck, arms clutching your torso as he shook violently. Carefully you rested your hands on his back, rubbing small circles against his shirt as you murmured nothings into his ear. 

The ground could’ve been ice and you’d still sit there for hours. It could’ve been midnight or midday and you’d still sit there. Reiner was your top priority to take care of. You’d spent weeks ignoring him, tending to larger obligations while his problems staring you in the face. Right now, he was yours to clean up and take care of.

“I must look like a fool right now,” he sobbed, startling you enough for your hand to still.

“You do not look like a fool,” you assured him, willing your hand to resume its circles.

“Then why do I feel like one…? Why do I feel like a scared child, (Y/N)? I’m fucking pathetic, I can’t even stop crying long enough to apologize,” he ranted through choked sobs into your neck.

“You never got to be a child, Reiner. You’ve been burdened with everyone else’s dreams. Let it out, I’ll be here as long as you need me to be,” you whispered, resting your own head in the crook of his neck. 

He started to shake again, worse than he was when you found him, as violent sobs wracked his body. You repeated your words, out of order, and whenever he started to protest his need to be an adult. You stood in the middle of the darkness, holding a torch as you shouted into the void, and the void sobbed back. You’d hold that torch as long as you lived, not because you were forced to, but simply because you cared.

“I want to be a child, (Y/N),” he managed to whisper out, his voice shaking as the tears slowly died away.

“Huh?” you blinked in surprise as he continued to cling to you.

“You’ve been training your powers, right? Just- take the pain away… even if it’s just for a while,” he begged, clinging to you tightly.

“Reiner, I can’t take away your memories, I can only make you younger temporarily,” you explained, dumbstruck that he’d paid any attention towards your training.

“Doesn’t matter- at least I’d have an excuse to-to behave this way,” he whimpered, another wave of sorrow washing over him as he choked out another sob.

“Reiner, you don’t need an excuse for this,” you whisper quietly, running your hand through the back of his hair.

“Then, can I just feel what it’s like to be a kid again? Please?” he pleads, pulling back to look you in the eyes. No matter how hard you search, you can’t find a hint of uncertainty in the leaking pools of hazel.

You open your mouth to explain it further, quickly shutting it closed. He knows what’s going to happen. He asked you for it- begged for it. It was your responsibility as the guardian titan to keep him healthy, and if this is how he needs to process trauma, then it was not yours to question. 

Carefully, you placed your hands on his cheeks, resting your forehead against his. Much like how the founding titan could activate her powers outside her titan form, you could activate some of yours while human. Your ‘reversal’ being one of them.

With a deep breath, you felt the strong jawline soften under your hands as Reiner sunk lower and lower to the floor, his scruff disappearing back into his skin as he sank into a pile of his old uniform. 

When you opened your eyes again, before you sat a small child, no older than five, staring up at you from a pile of clothes. You blinked at the tiny Reiner, processing the image in your mind.

Then he reached his tiny arms up to you. Carefully, you reached down and picked him up, uniform and all until you held him against your chest. His tiny head resting on your shoulder as you stood up.

“Let’s go get you some clothes,” you murmured, opening the door and exiting his office with him still perched on your forearm. 

The tiny Reiner nodded in your arms, a stern look on his face that just made him look adorable. You suppressed a smile as you headed towards the lounge in the warrior’s barracks, where you could hear voices chattering with one another.

Stepping into the lounge- it was really a dining room table, a few couches, a coffee table, and the landing for the stairs- you were greeted with the familiar faces of Peick, Porco, the warrior cadets, and Zeke.

“(Y/N)! Did you find Reiner yet-?” Gabi exclaimed, beaming at you as her eyes flared wide.

“I did find Reiner-” your vision darted to the small boy in your arms who’d just buried his head in the crook of your neck out of shame- “However, my titan powers misfired as I was speaking with him. Guess I need to get a better grip on them, eh?” you chuckled, rubbing the back of your neck.

“I see… well I assume you know the responsibilities given that you are the guardian titan and one of our warriors is now…” Zeke trailed off, swirling the scotch in his glass- “In need of guardianship, for lack of better words.”

“Yeah, it was totally my fault Zeke. I’ll watch him,” you agree, breathing an internal sigh of relief that your ploy hadn’t been questioned.

“Good. Other than that I suppose Reiner and you are excused from warrior training. Taking care of him is punishment enough,” Zeke declares, taking a sip of his scotch.

There’s a tense air as you chose to ignore the comment about Reiner being unsavoury. Instead, placing a hand on Reiner’s back gently, you turned to Gabi.

“Gabi, does your mom still have clothes from when Reiner was a boy?” you ask, crouching down to her level.

“I- I think so, (Y/N),” she replies, a confident smile across her cheeks.

“Good. Can you go grab some for me, please?” you request politely, returning her smile.

“Of course-!” she declares, hopping off the couch and heading over to the door- “Can I play with Reiner afterwards?” she asks, standing at the door with her hand on the handle.

You look to Reiner, who’s currently watching Gabi with the same stern expression, before nodding your head.  
“I’m sure he’d have no objections, now get going.”

“Thanks, (Y/N)!” Gabi cheers as she flings open the door to dash down the street.

“Gabi! Wait you need a chaperone!” Porco calls after her, racing down the street to catch up to her.

You chuckle slightly, closing the door with a gentle click.  
“When she gets back, let her know we’re upstairs in Reiner’s room please,” you request to Pieck. 

She nods her head with a small smile as you climb the stairs up to the bedrooms. Small Reiner clutches your shirt tightly through the sleeves of his oversized uniform. As you step into his room, you make sure to brush your hand across his head.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a bath and you’re a mess from earlier,” you murmur, closing the bedroom door and stepping into the bathroom instead. 

Inside was a single bathtub/shower combo, a toilet, and a countertop with a sink in front of a mirror. It was sparse, same with all the other rooms. They never spent much money on Eldains. Even if they were part of the Warrior Unit.

Carefully, you set Reiner down on the toilet as you poured the water for the bath. He sat there quietly, watching you with the same blank expression as you moved about the room. To your surprise, you managed to find bubble bath under the sink. 

Turning to Reiner with an eyebrow raised, you held up the bubble bath.  
“Lavender, good choice,” you chose your words carefully. Any small thing could set him into a breakdown again, and you just wanted to be able to give him one good moment. He deserved one good moment.

So you poured the bath with as many bubbles as you could, watching as his face lit up from the sight. A warm smile spread across your lips as you helped him out of his oversized clothes, keeping your eyes up for modesty’s sake. 

Gently, you settled him into the tub as he stared up at you with wide eyes. You found the softest washcloth you could, getting it wet, and washed the tears from his face. You focused your attention on washing his hair thoroughly and getting all of the snot and drool and tears from his skin. In the end, he was almost smiling.

Once he was clean, there was a knock on the door.

“(Y/N)! The clothes are on his bed!” Gabi called from the other side.

“Thank you, Gabi! We’ll be down in a moment!” you called back, turning your head so you didn’t hurt Reiner’s ears.

When her footsteps sounded down the hall, you drained the water from the tub. Giving Reiner a final rinse, you helped him out and towel down. Then you scooped him and the towel up in your arms and headed into the bedroom.

The room was simplistic at best. A queen-sized bed was the biggest expense the Marlyen’s had made, yet the sheets were ragged and the frame was worn. There was a dresser to one side, and a desk to another. It barely looked lived in, almost as a ghost had been here.

With a sigh, you helped Reiner dress in a t-shirt and shorts, white clothes with a red armband to signify he was an Eldain Warrior. The generals wouldn’t pay any mind to him, he looked exactly like Reiner, and they knew you’d been training your titan powers. If they questioned it, you’d simply say he was yours- at least to the lower-ranking soldiers-, for the time being.

Yet no one questioned it. You took him down to the yard with Gabi and the others, standing by to watch as they chased each other around playing ‘Warriors vs Enemies’ and tag. To your wonder, you saw Reiner beaming as he chased the others around the yard. He laughed as they tackled him to the ground, even when you called out for them to be careful due to the size difference. 

You stayed there until Porco called the group of you into dinner. Scooping up Reiner as he dashed over to you, you made your way inside. He slumped against your shoulder as you walked to the dinner table, chuckling at the improvised booster seat made by Zeke using a stack of atlases from his study. 

“Can’t have him unable to reach the table, can we? You’d never finish your meal while helping him,” Zeke stated to mask over any implication he’d care.

“Thank you, Zeke,” you simply replied, deciding it was best to keep your thoughts private as you handed Reiner a bun.

He grinned in delight as you placed a chicken leg on his plate, devouring it in mere moments. A small chuckle left your lips as you wiped the grease from his face while Peick gave him another. 

Reiner actually ate at dinner this time rather than his usual picking at food, putting a grin on your face. By the time dinner was done, most of the food was gone, leaving very few leftovers. You couldn’t tell if that was a curse or a blessing, to have leftovers for tomorrow.

Since it was your night to do dishes, Peick and Colt sitting in the lounge to watch over the tiny Reiner who had busied himself with babbling away nothings. You weren’t sure if they could understand him, but the most you understood was ‘I’m smaller!’. You had to chuckle when he declared that to Peick.

After dishes were done, you returned to the lounge to join the others, catching the first of Reiner’s yawns. With a raised eyebrow, you sat down on the couch in front of him.

“Time for bed?” you ask the small Reiner.

He shakes his head stubbornly, producing a chuckle from your lips as you reach forwards, messing with his hair.

“Alright, one more hour. Okay?” you explain, already seeing how tired he was from how he rubbed his eyes while nodding.

You sat on the couch with the others as they wound down for the day, even Porco came back to join you with Zeke. Reiner climbed his way onto the couch to attempt to add to the conversation with his babblings. Thankfully, the others were kind enough to indulge him as if they could understand him.

You could tell, no one could. But you were glad they were taking their time to include him.

When you felt him slump against your side, you knew he was spent. He clutched your shirt, quietly resting his head under your arm. You scooped him up into your arms, standing from the couch.

“I think it’s time we head to bed,” you announce, crossing the small room to the stairs.

“Sleep well, both of you!” 

“Don’t let the bed-titan’s bite, Reiner!”

You chuckled to yourself as you climbed the stairs, heading to his room. The plan was to leave him to sleep in his own room and then cross the hall to your own, yet when he grasped your sleeve with wide eyes as you turned to leave, you caved.

Quietly, you climbed into bed with him, kicking off your clothes until it was just your undergarments and your shirt. He crawled across the bed, coming to rest across your chest as he laid his head on top of his folded arms.

With a smile, you pulled the covers over top of him and yourself. His breathing quickly evened out, drifting out to sleep quietly. You, however, laid there quietly, watching him sleep as you recalled the day. 

You were glad you caught him in time. The wide-toothed grin fit his mouth perfectly.


	2. Chapter 2

The weight on your chest reminded you of your previous day as the sun shone through the window onto your face. You swear you were going to murder whatever Marleyan made the architecture designs. 

Slowly opening your eyes, you looked down at the sleeping boy on your chest with a small smile. He looked the most peaceful than he’d ever been, his chest slowly rising and falling as clutched the blanket around himself. 

You lift a hand and settle it down on his back, slowly rubbing your thumb back and forth as he slept. Unfortunately, your peaceful silence was interrupted by a knock at the door.

“(Y/N)? Just because you have the day off from training doesn’t mean you’re allowed to sleep in,” Zeke states from the other side of the door, drawing a groan from your lips.

“I’m awake Zeke. I was letting Reiner sleep a little longer,” you dismiss, watching as Reiner sits up on your chest yawning.

“Your breakfast is getting cold,” Zeke says before the footsteps echo down the hall as he walks off.

“Sorry Reiner, didn’t mean to wake you,” you whisper as he rubs his eyes.

“It’s okay,” he squeaks, his voice higher than normal. It takes every fibre in your being to not laugh at how odd it sounds.

“We should get dressed, come on. Let’s go grab that breakfast Zeke thought was so important,” you say, shifting him so he was sitting on the bed.

He nods his head, sitting on the edge of the bed as you pass him his clothes for the day. He tugs them on while you dress. Afterwards, you scoop him up so he’s sitting on your hip and leave your room for the day. 

There was indeed breakfast ready when you reached the downstairs. Porco had made pancakes, with the warrior cadets eating at the table by the time you joined them. Setting Reiner down next to Gabi, you dished him up some pancakes, allowing for him to eat as he listened to the warrior cadets’ conversation.

After breakfast, the warrior cadets went to the park, begging for you and Reiner to go with them. You agreed, as watching the warrior cadets was one of your responsibilities anyway. You spent most of the day in the park, watching them train and play, and buying them lunch from a nearby stall. 

When the sun was starting to set, you walked the cadets home, holding Reiner’s hand as you returned to the barracks. You told Gabi to not mention Reiner’s current state, and she nodded in agreement. By the time you were back at the barracks, Zeke and Porco had dinner on the table. 

With dinner done, you helped do the dishes before sitting around the couches to discuss training, strategies, daily events, and progress. Eventually, Reiner would yawn, usually whenever the topic started to move towards Paradis island. You scooped him up, saying goodnight to the others before going upstairs.

You poured him a fresh bath, making sure to get all of the dirt and sweat from playing off of him. Then you’d return to bed, allowing him to find his own spot - usually on your chest - and fall asleep.

For the next week, you followed this routine. Breakfast, park, dinner, conversation, bed. It was the calmest you’d been in months, and you could tell it helped Reiner quiet a bit. You’d yet to have him wake up due to a nightmare, and he always slept in rather than getting up early. It was the happiest you’d seen him since before Paradis.

* * *

It was the end of the week, a Saturday. One where everyone had a free day to do whatever they wished. The sun shone through the window, pressing against your face. You’d grown used to the weight on your chest, yet something was pinning down your legs as well.

Slowly opening your eyes, you found yourself looking at a mop of blond hair as a full-sized Reiner quietly snored on top of you. With wide eyes, you grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it up all the way. You didn’t want to wake him up, wanting to give him one more night of peaceful sleep.

You were so focused on your hammering heart you didn’t realize he was stirring until pools of amber met yours. They looked tired, still groggy with sleep as he rested his head in his arms.

“M-morning,” you managed to stammer out.

“Morn-ing…” he started to say, the last part of the world trailing off as he stared at you for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed together. “I’m-”

“Bigger again? Yeah, I’m aware,” you squeaked, becoming increasingly more aware of how awkward this was for him. You had to admit, it crossed your mind to cuddle him once or twice, but you hadn’t intended for it to ever happen, no matter how much you cared for him.

“Sorry, I can go if it’s making you uncomfortable,” he apologizes, shifting off of you so he wasn’t squishing your legs.

“N-no, it’s okay you don’t make me uncomfortable,” you say a little too quickly, “Er- I mean I want to make sure you’re doing okay, considering the last time you were normal-sized.”

He opens his mouth to speak before turning onto his back and staring up at the ceiling, breaking eye contact.  
“I’m sorry you had to see that. I- I didn’t mean for anyone to see- it’s just-”

You rest a hand on top of his, giving it a slight squeeze.  
“You don’t have to explain yourself. I understand what it must be like for you. To be so lost in a world that hates you, we’ve got a pretty shitty lot in life,” you say, hoping that it would comfort him. 

“Yeah, something like that,” he chuckles, staring up at the ceiling, “You think Zeke’s going to come knocking again?”

“Nah, it’s Saturday. We’re safe for now,” you dismiss, staring up at the ceiling as well.

“Good, because this week has given me a lot of time to think- and if it’s not too weird after everything-” he turns his head, tilting yours towards him with a hand around your jaw- “I’d very much like to kiss you.”

You stare at him, taking a moment to register what he’d just said. It was weird after taking care of him during the week, yet you still harboured romantic desires towards him. You tilt your head into his hand, shifting to copy him, cupping his jaw as well.

“As long as it’s not weird for you,” you whisper, making sure he had his wits about him.

He smiles lightly before leaning forwards and pressing his lips against yours. You felt like an unruly teenager, caught in a scandalous act as he held you as if you might break with the slightest breath. You shift to rest a hand on his chest, using it to support yourself so you could straddle across his lap. 

He smiles up at you as your lips disconnect before shifting backwards so he was sitting up as well, hands resting on your hips as he pulls you back in for another kiss. Your own wandering hands find the buttons to your shirt, having no need to undress the man already nude.

Your shirt comes apart easily, falling down your shoulders as his large hands guide it all the way off, calloused fingers against your skin. You smile into the kiss, relaxing against him-

Then a knock sounds from the door.

“(Y/N), breakfast is on the table,” Zeke states from the other side of the door. 

“Then go eat it, Zeke,” Reiner growls, pulling back from the kiss as he glares at the door. 

There’s a pause before rushed footsteps sound through the hallway as Zeke quickly walks away. You turn to Reiner, shaking your head.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you angry before,” you point out with a chuckle.

“He’s woken me up every day for the past week. Pretentious prick,” he grumbles, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

You hum in agreement as his hands roll down your sides. Breakfast will have to wait.


End file.
